Zen Judaism

• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court
• The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you're off the hook.
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little snack.
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

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Ultimately a Star's Public Image can get them into Trouble

In real life, movie tough guy Humphrey Bogart was actually a small man who once lost a wrestling match to Truman Capote.

One time he was dining out with his third wife Mayo when an idiot walked up to his table. "Humphrey Bogart. Mr. Tough Guy. You don't look so tough to me! Why don't we step outside."

Bogart sighed," Sit down, pal. Have a drink."

"No I don't want a drink. I told my friends at the bar I could beat you."

The man kept badgering until the weary star turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Mayo. Take care of him."

Mayo took off her shoe and beat the hell out of him.

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Keeping It All In Perspective

Perspective No. 1:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that fakackta truck!"

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Perspective No. 2:

Disorder in the Court... Actual conversations overheard in court

Judge : "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

Husband : "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Q : What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.

Q : What year?
A: Every year

Q : What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q : You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q : How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q : And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q : And where was the location of the accident?
A : Approximately milepost 499.

Q : And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q : Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q : Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?

Q : Before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.

Q : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.

Q : What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q : The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q : How many were boys?
A: None.

Q : Were there any girls?

Q : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.

Q : And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

Q : Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q : Was this a male or a female?

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q : All your responses must be oral, okay?
A: Okay.

Q : What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm

Q : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.

Q : Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q : Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

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Perspective No. 3:

Things that make you go....hmm!

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and is rumoured to drink a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer!

ANSWERS:
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way: Answer to the abortion question- if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone...and remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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Perspective No. 4:

Great Literary Taunts

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
--- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
--- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
--- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
--- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--- Mark Twain ( I think this is in reference to a newspaper report that Twain had died.)

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
--- Oscar Wilde

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A Story to put a smile on your face

With thanks to the anonymous author and Allan, the pharmacist at Fulton Pharmacy in River John, Nova Scotia who gave it to me.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist, “Of course, we do.”

Jacob, “How about medicine for circulation.” Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob, “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?” Pharmacist, “Definitely.”

Jacob, “How about Viagra?” Pharmacist, “Of course.”

Jacob, “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?” Pharmacist, “”Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob, “What about vitamins, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?” Pharmacist, “Absolutely.”

Jacob, “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?” Pharmacist, “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob says to the pharmacist, “We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.”